Learning about service submission

This last week seems to have been about doing things. I’ve spent a couple of nights on the bills (I said it was complicated), and gardening, and laundry, all of which have not been part of our normal routine for me to do, so sort of qualify as “service.” Actually, I’ve been feeling bad about the bills part and the laundry part because there’s no reason why I haven’t been doing those for years except that I could get away with it.

There’s a rationalization for everything, in this case that my beloved works at home so it’s easier for her to keep after that stuff, but as I’ve started to do these things, I’m not sure I buy that explanation.

What I have found out is that service submission is much more of a “mind set” than it is a specific set of tasks. There are the normal routines (like these household things), there are things that I do for her – precious few and I treasure them: taking care of her cell phone, wallet, and bag, all of which she often does herself. The only thing I really get to do regularly is the vitamin thing and turning on her bedside light – pretty minor.

And there’s being attentive to what she wants. She doesn’t make this easy. This morning in the wee hours when she was leaving for a one-week trip, it was “I was wondering whether the tape was upstairs.” Not “Get me the tape”, not “Could you please get me the tape”, not “I was wondering if you would get me the tape.” I’m getting better at translating comments like “I was wondering if the tape was upstairs” into things to jump on and do right away. It is somewhat satisfying, but at a fundamental level, not so much, because it forces me to wonder if this is still all in my head – if this is an arrangement of one person: me.

Oh, and a fourth category: things I have no idea if she even notices, like the fact that her wallet always has money in it, and the cars always have gas in them. Or the fact that when she gets up to go in the wee hours, I get up too, make the coffee, carry the bags out to the car etc.

We still haven’t figured out what Ms. Rika’s “accepting from a position of dominance” actually works out to be in real life.

We have another talk in our future, when she gets back. It *won’t* be “Hi honey, you’re home. Let’s talk about submission.” But within a day or two, or I think we’ll drift off to a place that doesn’t work so well. I am happy to do the service submission things. But I need some acknowledgment of what is happening here.

Pretty much anything she asks if I can do, I respond with “As you wish.” But as I mentioned above, she seldom asks. And that’s still all in my head.

What I need is…

What I need is…

What surprises me is that I don’t know exactly what I need. Some acknowledgment from her that this is happening. Unprompted by me. In a way that I perceive of as meaning something to her.

This may be impossible. This may never happen. I might be able to grow to be OK with that.

There are subtle changes happening around the fact that my time is hers to dispose of, that I’m trying to be around to just make life easier for her. There are random moments when it works: when I’m working on something I’d rather not be doing and she’s reading a magazine. But they are few and unacknowledged.

She is also demands perfection in a way that I don’t know that I can ever achieve. If I’ve left the laundry in the washer, to be air dried later, I’m just as likely to come home and find it laid out and done by her. On the one hand, there are only so many minutes in the morning. ON the other, I suppose I could get up early and get there before her. But that’s our most intimate time, and I won’t give it up, truth be told. If I come home and go upstairs before cleaning the kitchen counter, I’m likely to come down and find her doing it. If I leave a case of oil in the car to remind me to change the oil, I’m likely to find it in entryway.

I can aspire to be better at these things, but I don’t know how much better I can actually do.

And now she’s away for a week, so the rhythm of things will change. I suggested (I think only once) that she might think about a “honey-do” list for while she’s away, but she didn’t find time to make one up. I tried not to resent that, even though she mentioned it. She mentioned minor garden maintenance, and suggested she might think of something while she’s on the road – I’ll be bitterly disappointed if she doesn’t, but I don’t expect her to.

I think I have myself dialed back to the point that I’m not bugging her. I’m trying as hard as I can. The extent to which I raised this at all yesterday (for example) was to note, as we were in bed, that back-rubs are always on offer. Her response: “I’ll have to figure out what my equivalent of a back-rub is.”

And I think if we proceed quietly and slowly at this pace, something may happen. Certainly it has in the sex department (more on that in another post). Maybe it will in the “we communicate about this and I feel validated as the the submissive” department as well.

Another blog bites the dust

RJ’s blog “Under her control” is gone. Which is a pity, because in his last post, “Appreciation”, he said some things I really liked:

I appreciate my wife. She has time and time again listened and accepted me for who I am… She has always listens to me tries to keep an open mind about things. I think she, at least on some level, grasps my need to serve her… My wife and I have talked a lot lately. We have covered a gambit of topics and have discussed the workings of our WLM in detail. I love the feeling of finally being able to tell her what I feel, no matter how embarrassing it might be.

All statements that I can subscribe to.

I can only wish them well. I know from experience that this is complicated.

Some Notes on Some Comments

Both ‘s’ and Ms. Rika have been generous with their comments. I meant to respond, but like I said, I’ve been busy.

Regarding Small Satisfying Surprises, ‘s’ commented

While you’re at it, you might try putting the toothpaste on her toothbrush for her.

Actually, I did. And my beloved, who hates having stuff done for her, I think, replied, “No, I’ll pick which toothpaste to use, so I’ll do it myself.” I’m trying to finesse this by reducing the toothpaste brands down to one in the bathroom (I was the person motivating the second brand – I can give that up – sheesh – is this too much information or what!) So maybe someday we can revisit this. But it won’t be for a long time.

Things to look forward to.

And the pitiful part of it is, doing that stuff for her, putting out her vitamin, putting away her cell phone, etc – these are the high points of my day. Why? Because there’s a part of me that wants to serve her that’s been skulking around underground for about 40 years, and it’s incredible that it can see the sunshine. The last couple of times out we got whacked pretty hard, with nights of crying on both of our parts and (mild) psychiatric drugs and therapy and it was so not fun. All of which probably improved the success potential of the current venture, but who knows by how much…

‘s’ also commented on I’m Not Very Good At This, pointing out that when she does something that I thought I was supposed to do, the only appropriate answer is “Thank you.” Or perhaps no comment at all – If I thanked her for plugging in her cell phone, I’m pretty sure she’d take it as nagging. For more general household stuff like the laundry, I might get away with it.

But it breaks my heart to see her do this. Because it’s either “I’m not thinking about this arrangement, it doesn’t exist for me” (which is what it probably is), or it’s the passive-aggressive approach that Ms. Rika mentions in her comment on the same post. That comment is so so right on the mark that I want to figure out some way to share it with my beloved. (Which sort of makes me want to share the blog with her, but fortunately, my conscious mind forcefully reminds me what a bad idea that would be.)

When it comes to doing the kitchen counter (one of those things that just needs to be done occasionally), it would make my day (literally) if she’d just point that out rather than doing it. I realize that her just doing it is likely to make me better at anticipating her needs and wishes because it hurts so much to see her do it. But I do need the interaction too.

I think the danger is that we arrange this so we never have to interact about it – she never has to acknowledge what it is we’re doing, so she can remain in denial because face it, it’s uncomfortable for her. I’ve tried to present it in the most comfortable possible way – I what can I do to make your life easier – and it’s still uncomfortable for her. Either she’s going to work through that discomfort (and I’m willing to help in any way I can short of not doing this, which I think we’ve established I have to do), or I’m going to end up in either the “stealth submission mode” (which I’m pretty sure I don’t have the intensity of imagination to keep up indefinitely), or we’re going to stop and I’ll go slowly nuts again.

Wow, I wasn’t expecting to go there when I started writing. Maybe things will improve.

Rough Patches

It’s been a very busy couple of days, totally unrelated to FLR. But the fund-raiser I was helping to organize is over and I’ve had time to start decompressing a little.

A wonderful moment after we all got home from our events last night: she poured herself a glass of water and emptied the pitcher. In mid-conversation she just handed me the pitcher. My heart skipped a beat and I just went and filled it while we were talking. Most satisfying moment of my day; I seem to get about one of those a day. I don’t want to read too much in to this, but I really don’t think it’s the kind of thing she would have done in the past.

A couple of days ago I realized that I had so much to do to make that fund-raiser work that I was just keeping up with the barest minimum of what I fell I need to do to be make my beloved’s life easier, and in a tired moment shared that “I’m not feeling very good about myself at this moment.” I was referring to my fulfilling my commitments in our arrangement, but as we shall see, communication is a tricky thing.

Last night, when it was all over, lying in bed, she asked, “How are you feeling; yesterday you said you weren’t feeling very good about yourself.” So I shared that I felt I wasn’t keeping up my commitments and acknowledged that she had been quite correct about outside involvements perhaps making this impractical. She replied that civic commitment is something we value in our family, so it’s part of what we do. All well and good.

Then I asked the fatal, “And how’s this working for you?” question. As best I can recall, and I will attempt to quote this accurately so as not to put my interpretation on it, she said (though not in this order, I think), “Sometimes I just wish we could be normal” and “I get tired of being asked if I’d like things” and “I know you’re thinking about this a lot, but I wish just an hour could go by without your bringing it up”. I apologized for that and suggested that we come up with a way for her to mention that in the moment, but we both acknowledged that it can be hard to perceive and act on in the moment. And later in the conversation, I asked if this was making her life at all more convenient, and she said, “I was pretty tired of paying the bills, so I guess that’s nice.” No mention of the laundry, which I know she’s kind of tired of doing, and which I’ve been doing.

Apropos of Ms. Rika’s comment about using chores to be passive-aggressive, when I walked out of the bedroom, all of the laundry that I had laid out to dry had been put away, something I was intending to do after I got through the fundraiser.

I’ll rant about some of her reactions here since I don’t want to rant to her. But the “letting an hour go by” question was so unfair, because I have been compulsive about not bringing this up more than once or twice a day in the lightest possible terms. In all fairness, if this is how it feels to her, then I have to acknowledge that reality; I’ll suspect that it comes from my changed attitude and my increased attention to what she’s asking for, suggesting, and me trying to get out of her way more than I customarily do – in sort the change in attitude that I crave as part of this arrangement. And that feels to her like “asking” all the time, since it’s different.

But if all this comes down to is that I pay the bills from now on, and nothing else, then the whole thing is a failure and we’ve gotten nowhere – I get to go back to feeling frustrated, unrequited and incomplete, and she gets to go on living in the illusion that she’s relating to me, not to my “game face.”

I put that all out there first because it was the nadir of where things got to. I had a crappy night sleep “realizing” that this was all for naught, and finding my desire for her (which runs high while we’re doing this) to have been reduced to the merest casual level.

In the morning we snuggled a little, as we have been doing more of since we started this, mainly because I’m crazy about her, which was better. I was trying to get better about what was said, and assuming that it was because she was tired last night. But in the end, I said that I didn’t want to make her miserable (isn’t that counter to the whole idea – we chuckled), but I don’t want to be miserable either, and can we find a way to make this work for both of us? She agreed (warmly) that we probably could.

15 minutes later she gave me an embrace in the kitchen and told me she loved me, which I appreciate, but (not content to leave the unsaid unsaid, as I have for the last 25 years), I asked if she loved all of me. Because it’s really nice to be all here as opposed to skulking around underground. She agreed. She pointed out that I need a haircut (which she usually provides), and perhaps (she suggested), I could shave her legs – another thing I love to do.

So I think we have a place to work from.

A Romp In the Hay

Catching up a bit, Tuesday night (much to my pleasant surprise) my beloved was feeling like she wanted some sexual satisfaction. As often happens, I brought her to orgasm with my hand. Some time ago we established that I would only get to have PIV intercourse with her if it would enhance her pleasure. The only issue was the signals – she had plenty of ways of telling me to proceed, but none to say “We’re done.” I suggested “Thank you” (my least preferred, but I didn’t tell her that), or “That was fun” (more preferred), or my favorite, which would have been “I’m done” or “That’s all for this evening”. In the event, she always chose “Thank you” and I always reply with a heartfelt “My pleasure, it’s fun.”

In the event, in Tuesday she replied with “That was wonderful.” I was thrilled and thanked her very warmly. We snuggled in a way we haven’t since before we were newlyweds, and in the end I thanked her again profusely. It was a warm and wonderful moment.

The next morning she commented that it feels like it hasn’t felt since we were young lovers, which is a pretty nice thing for some 50-somethings to be able to say. I was thrilled.

When we’re doing this and getting it right, she is so beautiful to me. I note this because I don’t want to forget it: we were playing frisbee with one of our kids and I got to throw to her. And every time I did, I got to look at her, and my heart skiped a beat – she is so beautiful to me and cares about me so much. I’m grateful and in love, which is not a bad way to be after 25 years…

I'm not very good at this

Lest I forget

• This morning she got the crumbs off the counter because I didn’t get there first
• She started to get the trash down to the curb before I started to help with that because I didn’t get there first
• She IM’ed me with a reminder about the phone-call chore I was supposed to do today, but I hadn’t gotten to yet. The only right answer for that one would have been “Yup, it’s done.”

Not good, but lest I appear totally hopeless, the laundry is coming along well and she mentioned transferring over the bill paying responsibilities to me this evening (something we knew we would have to do together – it has lots of ins and outs).

So in the end, things I did this evening that I wouldn’t otherwise have done:

• Brought the trash stuff back up from the curb
• Balanced the check book
• Put money in her wallet – she mentioned she was out

and the two standing items

• Turned on her bedside light
• Put her vitamins close at hand for her when brushing her teeth

Which overall doesn’t sound like a lot, but I think it’s sustainable and hopefully I can grow from here.

And all this is incredibly boring, but isn’t life, in the chop-wood-carry-water kind of way.

This is harder than it looks.

And I love it. I just hope to all get-out that she does. I hope to check in with her again on Wednesday.

Small Satisfying Surprises

We were out listening to Jazz Friday night and there were chairs but no tables. I rather quickly ended up holding her cappuccino cup for her. That was satisfying – and I’m pretty sure it was intentional.

I had intended to ask her how it was going on Sunday night, but she surprised me by asking me Saturday morning. I was sort of non-plussed and not ready for the discussion, but I allowed as how it was working for me. More importantly, I said, “Is this not annoying you and does it have some positive aspects.” She thought for a second and said, “Well, the house is looking pretty good.” So I guess that qualifies as success.

Later in the day, something wonderful (if tiny) happened. We were talking about who-knows-what, and the subject of Vitamins came up. She recalled that she never remembers to take her vitamins, and suggested, “You could put that out on my toothbrush in the evenings.” That was pretty satisfying. At least I remembered last night. What was most satisfying is that in the context of a completely non-relationship non-kink non-sex related discussion, she realized that this dynamic could come in to play. Very heartening.

I also mentioned that I had been trying to be very attentive to her “suggestions” and making sure they got done. Given my beloved’s character, I think (and I told her this) that saying that may have been a mistake because she’s likely to become hyper-critical of herself for suggesting things knowing that I’ll actually do them. I’m hoping she’ll forget the self-criticism part and must expect things to happen.

She did make an off-hand suggestion about the detail mowing around the yard, which became my first priority Saturday. She also ended up with some help gardening from me after the rest of the mowing, which I hope she found satisfying. I enjoyed it only in as much as it was what she wanted.

This is all very very mundane stuff, but I guess is the stuff of which real life is made, so that makes it satisfying.

I’m hoping I have the attention and fortitude to keep doing these things. I have faith that these little things will grow. And I’m contemplating how this is changing the dynamic of our relationship, mainly in ways that I find satisfying – I hope my beloved does as well.

Finally, I’m realizing that I’m not very good at some of this mundane stuff – getting the laundry done in the midst of getting everything else done as well. Suddenly about half of fd’s experiences in Her Househusband’s Life are beginning to feel very relevant. Unfortunately, it’s the housework part, but all in good time.

Settling In

I’m finding the differences in living in an acknowledged FLR to be interesting, even if not dramatic. My favorite difference so far is my desire to do things for her, which results in listening very carefully and making it a priority to follow up. This is kind of difficult with my beloved, who’s response to any issue is not to comment on it, but to just do something about it.

But as she was on her way out the door last night, she noticed a lot of mail and papers stacking up and said, “The mail’s a little out of control here,” as she picked some of it up and dealt with it. Fortunately, she couldn’t deal with all of it, and by the time she got make, I’d made the paper disappear. I think she was surprised; it was an off-hand comment, but the kind that I’m trying to listen very carefully to.

I offered a backrub last night (casually) but she said, “I don’t want to do that every night, it wouldn’t be special any more.” I did say, “It doesn’t have to be special, you know.” A message I’ll try to reiterate tonight.

Aside from that, her agenda sets my evening tasks, and I’m OK with that. I refer to my list of things and make sure that they’re taken care of. Occasionally, she’ll get to one before me, and I have to just let go of that. Often I can come back to what ever it was and finish it up.

I found this New York Times article on two spiritual teachers who have decided never to be separated to be weirdly relevant in one or two ways, mostly about ego and how relationships that acknowledge power and control issues can help investigate it.

We’ll see what the weekend brings. Overall, I’d like the opportunity to do more for her, but life also has its way of intervening.

I’m in the process of trying to reschedule a business trip – in all honesty, partly because I don’t want to have just started this and then have to abandon it for two weeks. But the unexpected benefit may be that she can come with me for a week of that. That would be fun.

Off to a slow start

Obviously, life has not totally changed with our new regime; the change is more in my attitude and somewhat in hers. My beloved is a “do-er”, so the thought of sitting around while I do stuff around the house isn’t going to happen. I’m just hoping she’ll find herself able to do what she wants, rather than what she feels needs to be to done.

So on day one of this arrangement, I don’t think she told, asked, or otherwise intimated that there was anything I could or should do. The question came up as to whether we were both or only one of us going to this community meeting. I allowed as how I had plenty to keep me busy, so she went. And called 20 minutes later saying I should come. I might have tried to demur, but it was quite satisfying not to have to think about it.

I did manage to get some “chores” done, but they aren’t particularly removed what what I do anyway, though again, there was some satisfaction from the changed expectations around the thing.

At the end of a long evening (she’s working on a project), in the dark, in bed, I did mention that backrubs were always on offer (one of the items on our list). I had taken the opportunity to unearth our old massage book and briefly review it while doing another item on our “I want to get this project done” list. She said she thought she was too tired to appreciate it, and I said she didn’t have to be awake for it. So she got a backrub in the dark. Which was very fun.

Much to my surprise, she rolled on to her back and indicated that some more directed stimulation was in order and before long, one thing led to another (as they say) and she had what looked like a lovely climax. Somewhat more to my surprise, she indicated that she was interested in PIV intercourse, so I got “relief” as well, which was welcome since it had been two weeks for me (and four days for her).

She did allow as how this was *not* a consequence of the backrub, which I pretty well knew. We snuggled. It was intimate and lovely.

This morning while im’ing, she mentioned that she’d put some plants in the beds I’d prepared over the weekend, and noted how easy it was with nice beds. I ventured to thank her for letting me prepare them, but didn’t get any response, which was fine (beats a negative response…)

So I think we’re off to a slow but satisfying start. My list of things looks kinda pathetic to me, but I suppose until I knock them all off, there’s no point adding more.

I’ll think about putting up an edited version of the list per a request in the comments, but there’s really nothing innovative on it, I’m afraid.

And Now Comes the Hard Part

Waiting is a struggle for me. In the words of one of our favorite movie characters, “I hate to wait.” So it was only 48 hours of waiting, but they were a tough 48 hours. I kept my struggle from my beloved, however, because I really didn’t want to push her on this. Hence the venting on the blog.

Last night, once again after the business of the evening was over, she said “Why don’t you go print out that spreadsheet.” These were items along the lines suggested by Ms. Rika – things I could do that would make her life easier.

We ended up with 17 items that I can do, ranging from the quick-and-easy (Make sure her cell phone is plugged in at night) to the projects-that-need-to-be-scheduled (pay the bills). I presented the list with a heading as follows:

This sheet is things that I can think of that need to be done around the house that I could do. Some of these things I think I should be able to enlist the kids on, like the dishes, but in the end it’s still my responsibility to get done. This also doesn’t mean you can’t do any of these things that you want to whenever you want to. *WANT TO* is the key phrase, not “feel like you have to because it’s not getting done.”

Obviously, this list is longer than can be done. I think we need to work together on how that works, if that’s OK with you.

In the end, she asked me, “how do we handle this?” I looked at the list and couldn’t think of a good reason why I couldn’t get started on it. It won’t all be done in a day, but there’s no reason why the “quick and easy” ones can’t be done every day, and why I can’t get a start on the big ones (laundry and bills). So that’s what I’ve committed to do.

I’m thrilled and scared. Time to put the activities where the fantasies have always been.

Just for the record, the list was entirely stuff I can do that makes her life easier. If that works out for her, at some point we’ll have a talk about “treats” – she’ll want to know what they are for me rather than having to guess… or I’ll want her to know, but I would expect that to be a month or more away.

We didn’t talk explicitly about casual “requests” or decision making – we covered that on Sunday and she read my notes on them and approved them.

So there was no big ceremony, no big symbolic thing. There was just me saying “So, we’re doing this, right?” and her response, “Right.” I think she’s waiting to see what actually happens as well. I did mention that I’m probably not going to be 100% good at this initially, and that her feedback would be welcome. Also that I’d like to check in once or twice a week to see how this is going from her point of view. Aside from that, it should be “set it and forget it” for her.

So far the difference has been … not much. Partly this is the “How would life be different if we had been doing this” question. Partly it’s that not much has come up that needs to be done. And partly it’s her waiting to see how this works out practically.

I think she was tired last night; I’m very insecure about all this and perceived her manner as “put upon” rather than intrigued, but we snuggled and talked a very little about this in the morning, and I expressed my gratitude. She seemed OK with that, maybe even good.

I owe Ms. Rika a big debt of thanks, and a book review. Her book and advice got us to the top of the hill and gave us the shove we needed. Now it’s our responsibility to steer the sled….

Woooooshhh….. off we go!